We’ve all been to a gay club before.
They’re basically no different from any other club, except that there’s usually way more guys, earsplitting EDM and better live performances.
But accidentally finding yourself in a gay sex dark room at a club is a different kettle of fish all together – as one straight guy from San Antonio found out to his surprise.
Kyle was on holiday in Berlin when he met two guys from London at his hotel bar.
Being a loose end, he asked them whether he could tag along for the evening. The trio ended up at Berghain – the infamous techno club synonymous with decadence and hedonism – and which has rooms reserved for all sorts of non-vanilla fun.
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It is one of the most exclusive clubs in town, difficult to get into and with a strict no photos policy (for obvious reasons) – as well as an anything goes approach to sex, drugs and everything else.
And due the nature of the club, most people operate on a ‘what happens in Berghain, stays in Berghain’ basis.
But not Kyle.
Thank you.Kyle decided to share/warn about his experiences via a hilariously/disturbingly honest one star Yelp review
First things first, Kyle wasn’t happy about the ‘super long line’ outside the building.
‘One of the London guys goes into a rage and starts cussing me out and grabs my phone yelling: “DON’T LOOK AT YOUR PHONE. DON’T USE IT! THEY WON’T LET US IN!”‘
Once in, the music is too loud.
Then this happens:
‘On my way to grab a beer, I pass in disbelief, a bearded guy butt f*cking the crap out of another bearded dude. You could smell feces and sweat.
‘I take my eyes off of that situation and it only gets worse. There’s another guy, and I kid you not…he’s got his arm, almost to his elbow, up another guy’s ass! I thought it was a magic trick or an illusion. It WASN’T!’
Just as Kyle’s had enough for one night, he remembers that his phone is still with one of the London guys – so has to schlep back through to club to find him…
‘Now there are naked guys everywhere! Sucking each other off. Fisting each other. There was one dude that was riding another guy (cowgirl style) and yelling “Balles Tief!”… I ask the dude next to me, “What’s he screamin’?!” and he informs me “Balles Tief” is German for “Balls Deep”.
Someone then tries to inject him with something to ‘keep wake and make you high’ before the club explodes with sirens and whistles – marking the beginning of something called ‘Slip and Slide time’.
‘100s of guys, the ones who aren’t already naked, drop their pants and start masturbating on the dance floor.
‘Evidently, you are supposed to ejaculate on the floor and make it slippy and then naked guys go sliding through it!’
After seeing that someone’s jerking off in his direction, Kyle is more committed than ever to getting out of the club.
That is until he comes across an injured guy who bends over and asks Kyle to pull a rubber fist out of his bottom after getting it stuck.
‘This guy thinks I’m going to help pull it out?! Get the f*ck out of here!’
He eventually makes it to doors where he yells ‘YOU SICK B*STARD’ to the door man before hailing a cab and finally getting home.
‘That was my experience at the “world’s coolest night club”. I can handle a lot of stuff, but this place was WAY over the top.
‘I will not be back. Never.’
Kyle’s post seems to have since been deleted from Yelp – but not before everyone had taken a screenshot.
Just to clarify, we think people can and should do what they want to do (as long as it’s consensual) in these sorts of places – particularly as Berghain isn’t exactly a mainstream, free-for-all, all-access club.
And Berghain isn’t actually a gay sex club – there are dark rooms, but there’s also a massive stage and dancing space. So maybe Kyle just freaked out before he got a chance to actually explore the club fully.
But either way, this sort of therapy-post is exactly what Yelp was made for.
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